Recent events brought to light for me how harshly we seem to judge ourselves for being human, and — paradoxically — for being willing to grow. Does that sound strange? It is. But it’s also very normal.
We might think we behave badly, that we appear foolish or flawed, when we’re just doing what we’re capable of in the moment — living as “me”, right now, doing what we do, with the level of presence that we have in this moment.
It’s a bit ironic, as — in Enneagram circles not least of all — it should be pretty clear that the vast majority of people (including individuals high up the levels of health and balance) have their own ways of going about things, and that we don’t always march to the same drum, that we don’t always feel, notice or bring attention to the same things. Neither are we supposed to. We each bring our part to the equation (or not, as the case may be), and then things play out — and hopefully, we learn and integrate something. How could this be bad, or foolish, or flawed? Rather, from looking around me, even in the healthiest relationships and contexts I can think of, that seems to be the way things are meant to go. But then our superego comes in and judges some of it as “bad” and some of it as “good”.
“Awareness is right, unawareness is wrong”
Osho, when asked a question about right or wrong, once summed it up as “awareness is right; unawareness is wrong”. And while my superego can occasionally have a field day with that definition, too, it’s a better summary than most others I’ve heard, especially when inner growth is the objective.
Having wants, feelings and reactions, living and interacting in the world, watching ourselves doing it and sharing whatever feels useful is a big part — if not all — of what inner work is about. Sometimes, feathers get ruffled. That’s inevitable. But the purpose is not to score points by trying to not be who we are. The purpose is being ourselves, and chipping away, bit by bit, at the traps we set for ourselves, the judgements we make about ourselves, the hopeless hoops our superego has us jump through. The chipping happens by us noticing, and by sometimes sharing what we notice. This, in my experience, is the only process that truly decreases fixations and ego strongholds, and, as a result, offers more freedom ❤️