“The inner critic”, the superego or our “internal judge” have been given many names throughout history. It is the aspect of us that judges, criticises, questions, has opinions and routinely rains on parades and raises self-doubt. But what is this critic, how can we identify it, and most importantly, how do we get out from under the criticism?
Our inner critics don’t all sound alike. They focus on different things, too, based on our childhood experiences and our personality types. For some people, it stands out clearly and sounds just like you would imagine that a critic would. It speaks in the second person — you should … or, now you’re doing that thing again … or why can’t you ever think things through/shut up/say what you think/tidy up/relax? In others, though, it might be more sneakily disguised.
Different inner critic-cloaks
For some people, the inner critic doesn’t so much focus on the classic things. We might think that if others aren’t happy with us, that’s their problem. Some of us might identify as “doers” who address the things we don’t like. I don’t berate myself, I just get on with it. To some extent, it was this way for me. But in these cases, it might just be that the inner critic has camouflaged itself well. It’s not that it doesn’t exist; we just don’t notice it.
In my case, the inner critic had hidden in the best place possible: in my own opinions. It was not primarily my parent’s opinions or society’s ideals it insisted on, but my own. (Or at least, that was how I experienced them.) When I fell short, I judged myself mercilessly — but it didn’t occur to me that there was any “inner criticism” involved. It was just how it was: what I was judging in myself was sub-par. Insufficient. Weak — or whatever the complaint might be. I agreed with my inner critic to the point where I couldn’t see it as such.
When I fell short, I judged myself mercilessly — but it didn’t occur to me that there was any “inner criticism” involved. It was just how it was: what I was judging in myself was sub-par, after all. I agreed with my inner critic to the point where I couldn’t see it as such.
Moreover, my shortcomings stung, so I wasn’t keen to hang about in thoughts about them. (Feelings around them, even less so.) Instead, there were two different paths open to me: to either “do it again, and get it right this time” (if that were technically possible) or put the situation behind me asap (if it wasn’t) and do something else that would hopefully redeem my standing.
A victim of the inner critic
An inner critic: A self-inflicted discomfort that you should be able to control but, instead, suffered under. I don’t know about you, but I did not relish the idea. That was probably the reason that I “refrained” from self-criticism where some popular topics were concerned — looks, certain behaviours and performance, etc. I told myself that I wasn’t interested anyway, and/or that the ideal was unattainable. That way I didn’t have to entertain those thoughts (at least consciously).
But there were other ideals, obviously. Ones that I strived towards of my own volition, rooted in my personality type as well as my childhood experiences. There, the inner critic got plenty of airspace. These ideals weren’t “ideals” after all; to me, they were Truth. Obviously I had to be strong, autonomous, grown-up and have all the answers. (Not. But it was easier to believe that. The alternative was accepting that I had an inner critic that I was helpless to do anything about. And things I was helpless to do anything about featured very low in my list indeed.)
Discomfort and bad aftertaste — calling-cards of the inner critic
Your inner critic might have a different tone than mine. But maybe you, too, identify so strongly with it’s ideals that you miss that it’s there? This is my sincere opinion — it’s not self-criticism, it’s fact. Well. If this “fact” causes you discomfort, that’s a sign that there is more to it.
At least it was for me, even though it took me many years to realise that. Then I would notice that my intense inner discomfort after a certain interaction — one where, in my opinion, I’d failed by showing weakness, vulnerability or some other despicable trait (according to my ideals, a k a my inner critic) — was indeed the critic itself in action. That was its expression. Not slander and trash talk, but an ice-cold dismissal of me as an individual. The dismissal would stand until I either could live up to its demands or leave the whole sorry mess behind me. No redemption was ever offered; just doing my time and moving on. (Much like, as it happens, my childhood experiences of judgement from the outside.)
I noticed that my intense inner discomfort after a certain interaction was indeed the critic in action. That was its expression. Not slander and trash talk, but an ice-cold dismissal of me as an individual.
What does your inner critic look like?
So it’s not always the case that the inner critic will lecture us — and it’s not at all certain that it comes as a voice or separate entity. Sometimes, it will hide on a deeper level. If you have a hard time identifying your inner critic, you might go about looking for it in two complementing directions. You can investigate your ideals of how you want to (or think you should) be. Also, you can explore negative emotions that arise in connection with situations, events and people.
Investigating your ideals
This path to getting to know the inner critic is on the mental plane. Have paper and pen at the ready. Then, start by closing your eyes and feeling your breath — or using some other tool for finding presence in the here and now — and finding your body. From there, you can look into the ideals you carry, and that you might have turned into demands on yourself. You can ask these questions, for instance, and write down the answers.
- Wants: What traits do you want people to see in you? What happens if they don’t?
- Don’t wants: What traits do you absolutely NOT want people to see in you? What happens if they do, or if you believe they might have?
- Are there people that you often feel discomfort around and/or that make you feel sad, angry or “less than” after seeing and/or talking to? What do you think might be causing these feelings?
Exploring negative emotions
Sometimes, we leave a situation with vague feelings of discomfort the cause of which is not clear. Technically, there might not have been any problems or conflicts. But still, something gnaws at us.
When you recall such a situation, or when you notice that something that just happened has left a bad aftertaste — explore this feeling mode closer. What do you think caused it? “Should” the situation have played out differently? “Should” you have done, said or been different? If what you find reveals new ideals, add them to the ones from questions 1 and 2 above.
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This way, we can take inventory of the inner critic’s opinions and identify familiar thought patterns or feeling climates. These can then serve as “alarms” that signal that the inner critic is in action.
Ok, but … then what?
Mostly, though, these exercises don’t really do anything about the inner critic. There are some exceptions: sometimes we find “ideals” from childhood that we don’t even agree with any longer, even subconsciously. In such cases, it happens that they fall away quite soon, like monsters under the bed disappearing when we turn on the light. But mostly, it’s a little bit more complicated than that. So, what are we meant to do to get rid of the nasty attacks?
When the inner critic is discussed, we’re sometimes instructed to silence it using various tricks. In my experience, this seldom works. After all, all patterns that we rid ourselves of through actively applied measures each time requires that we keep applying them. The moment we let up, the pattern re-establishes itself — and the inner critic is no exception. So, it takes a little bit more work.
“Keep your friends close but your enemy closer”
Well. One thing we might not realise about the inner critic is that it is, actually, not the enemy. But never mind. For our purposes here, this bit of advice is still useful. The way to get the criticism to ease off is to get to know your inner critic. Also, anchor this familiarity in experience, in the body; not just mentally. Then, you discover from where it gets it’s “inspiration” and which voices it is that you have made your own.
Where does the criticism actually come from, when you start deviating from how you “should” be? Whose “shoulds” are they? Are the voices coming from your childhood? From society at large? From the media? When you start becoming aware of these things, your understanding of the inner critic, and what it might possibly try to accomplish, grows. And most of all, it lends you a new perspective on it that shifts it slightly away from where it’s taken up residence, smack in the middle of your head.
A counter-intuitive invitation
Just as so many other things in inner work, it works the opposite way from what we’d expect. Push it away, and it eats you up. Invite it, and it softens and, in the end, stops hurting you.
Understandably, we like to keep the inner critic at arm’s length. After all, what it has to say is sometimes harsh and always uncomfortable. But whatever we try to distance ourselves from gets vague and hard to defend against. Whatever we instead invite closer, that which we allow ourselves to get more familiar with, only gets clearer. So even if it seems rather counter-intuitive to listen more closely to the inner critic, this seemingly backward move actually increases our distance to it and our ability to watch it and evaluate whether what it says actually has any merit. This way, we can start choosing how to act, rather that just blindly reacting.
Just as so many other things in inner work, it works the opposite way from what we’d expect. Push it away, and it eats you up. Invite it, and it softens and, in the end, stops hurting you.
Increased self-knowledge —
decreased self-criticism
One way (and in my view, the only really rewarding way) to guarantee a more balanced perspective on the inner critic is doing deep inner work in general. In such work, we look closer upon our now and our history, and we see the things that have been involved in shaping our inner critic. Mapping out the criticism (formally or more intuitively) is an important step, and for that, the exercises above can help. But to actually stop being negatively affected by this criticism, some deeper work is usually needed.
What do I mean by deep inner work?
Deep inner work takes us within ourselves, so that we can uncover and discover all aspects of us — including the ones that we might not have relished looking at, since they might be riddled with shame, guilt, fear, anger or whatever emotional flavour we have not been comfortable with. Experientially getting in touch which these aspects (as well as others, obviously; they are not all ugly, but usually the repression of the ones we thought were ugly hides other, more radiant aspects). Meeting these with acceptance, experiencing the feelings that go along with them without trying to escape or change them, so that we no longer have to hide from ourselves — that is the basis of deep inner work.
There are tons of formats for such work — meditation retreats, various forms of therapy and methods for self-discovery, individual sessions. It’s really down do personal preferences. But usually, any techniques that specialise — process grief, deal with your inner critic, learn conflict resolution, or whatever it may be — don’t in themselves constitute inner deep inner work. (However, they might be a gateway to it, mostly depending on your own motivation and the person facilitating the technique.) And most importantly, the results of whichever format you use will be greatly improved by you employing the three tools I wrote about in the previous post Get curious about your you-nique expression of consciousness.
Do you have questions or thoughts around the inner critic, or about other aspects of inner growth? Feel free to get in touch 🧡